Meet Skweezy Jibbs

by Ryan Najjar

...

Nobody remembers being born, but I’m pretty sure that you ain’t got a credit card or a girlfriend or anything. 


Actually, that’s a good conspiracy to figure out. Are we actually all born billionaires & have it taken away from us before we remember? That’s something you should probably investigate.


I think that’s gonna be the next piece, and I’ll have you consult on that.

Dawg, I don’t know how much I can consult. Just like everybody else, they took my memories away. I could’ve been riding around in a Ferrari when I was a fetus, and I wouldn’t even know cause they take all your memories away.


Do you believe one can be a Christian & a Juggalo at the same time?

Homie, I have had seven pets in my life, I’ve been to India, I’ve had sex with over 3,000 women, all of them consensual, and I still don’t know the answer to that. I’ve cooked french fries for some of the most famous people on the planet, and I don’t know. 

Part of it is, like, I want to just be a good person, and I think both camps have that same blahdy blah-dogy, but I don’t know if you can put them together in a way that makes sense. 


I don’t read too good. People always ask me, “Oh what’s your advice on this?” For me, one sentence takes about eight minutes to write. I read even worse than that. So, you know the Bible? I’ve read the “Bible”, I mean, the actual word on the front of the book, but that’s it. That’s as far as I’ve got. 


So I don’t know if there’s anything that makes [being a Christian & a juggalo] work together, it’s just...I don’t know. It makes my brain hurt, homie.


When you mentioned fries, it led me to think about another culinary masterpiece of yours. I’d love to hear your recipe for a ketchup sandwich, if you wouldn’t mind.

Oh, hell yeah. So basically, you take bread- it can be one piece folded in half, or two pieces. If it’s one piece folded in half, you just put ketchup on it. If you want to go nuts, homie, like if you’re feeling wealthy, you can put ketchup across the whole piece and then fold it in half, so it’s on both sides. 


Then, if you’ve got two pieces, you can take one [of them], put ketchup on it & put the other piece on, or you can take both pieces, throw ketchup on them & put it together from there. Double the ketchup.


It’s pretty terrible, dawg, I ain’t gon’ lie, but if that’s all you got that’s all you got.

Do the phat women in your life have to be black to ride the Skweezy wave, or are you more open nowadays?

Dawg, I’ll have sex with anything that says yes. My eyes have been opened. I’m not afraid to admit it, I was homophonic, and I didn’t understand anything about gay people...Everyone’s the same-well not really, cause some people got penises & some don’t, but everyone deserves respect & love, and that ain’t a reason to hate on nobody, dawg.

Sometimes, you don’t even know what you’re into until you try it. That’s basically what life should be about. Don’t be afraid of new experiences. What’s the worst that can happen? If you have sex with [someone with a penis], you can’t even get them pregnant. That’s a whole different set of benefits that people don’t even think about.


What presidential candidate do you believe will finally legalize gay divorce?
Me, homie.

I’ll be making a huge announcement [soon] (Author’s Note: he has announced his candidacy, and you can support him by buying his merch here). Do me a favor. I don’t know when you plan on releasing this. I don’t what you plan on doing with this. I don’t know if you’re actually an interviewer, or if you’re just going to jerk off to this afterward on your own free time (Author’s Note: I did).

I don’t even know. But if you’re actually putting this somewhere, wait until April 8th (Author’s Note: mission accomplished), cause that’s when I’m announcing. Skweezy 2020, dawg. I’ve run from relationships, I’ve run from the police, and now I’m running for president.


The first thing I’m gonna do is make weed legal all across America. I’m not sure about after that, but how hard could be it be? 


Speaking of the green, are you still sipping the green juice from Verdell Watkins off Ladera Heights?

Homie, no. 

No?

Hell no.


Why not?

I don’t even remember what you’re talking about.


It was an older interview of yours, some kid called “thefrickenfilmcritic”. He did a video with you & you were sipping this green juice from someone off Ladera Heights

Oh shit, yeah, Ladera Heights homie. That was probably the last interview I gave, thefrickenfilmcritic. 

I only did that cause I thought he was Roger Eberts or some shit. That was the only film critic that I’d ever heard of, so I was just like “Oh hell yeah, this is gonna be huge,” and it was actually just a 15 year old kid. But, you know, I said I was going to do it so I did it.

I don’t regret it. I hope he’s doing good...that was like seven years ago or some shit. I hope he got a good job driving for Lyft, whatever a good job is these days...actually, I should message him to see if he’s got any work.


During that video you mentioned an upcoming musical masterpiece. We’re still waiting for Pussy Orchestra!

Sometimes you realize music is your thing, and sometimes you realize it takes you seven years to write one verse. That’s pretty much the universe screaming at me sayin’ “Hey, you should run for president instead, that’s a lot easier than writing a song.”

That’s basically where I’m at. I’ve been working on Pussy Orchestra for, like, a decade, and it ain’t getting any closer to being done. But, you know, shit, maybe that’ll be my president...wait, if you run for president, can you use a theme song? Do you have to have one?

Cause if you do, it’s gonna be Pussy Orchestra.

I think you can, and if that’s yours, I don’t think there’s any question about it: you will be our next president. I, frankly, would love to serve on your cabinet if you have any open positions. I know you’ve got to take care of your boys first, of course, but I think I could write you a couple good speeches.

Dawg, you don’t even have to get on my cabinet, you can just walk around the kitchen & serve from there.

What would it take for someone to get you to believe in witchcraft?

I don’t know if I feel comfortable talking about this, homie, cause I’ve had...I don’t even believe in witchcraft, but I completely believe in witchcraft, and that in itself is witchcraft. 

To believe in something & not believe in something at the same time? That’s witchcraft right there, and I don’t know...It’s making my spine tingle.

That’s okay, we can move on. Walk us through the routine you’d use to get ready for your Butthole Show at the Platinum Club.

So, for those that don’t know, there was a time where some people in the music industry (who I don’t talk to anymore) convinced me it would be a good idea to go be a male stripper. I found out later they was joking, but I still made money off it. 

This was before Magic Mike, dawg. I didn’t even know men could be strippers. One day [my former friends] were like, “You need a signature move!” I don’t know, I guess I was fucked up & I started poking my butt, and that became my move: jamming my own fingers into my own butt.

So my stripper name was “The Hole Package.” I don’t know if you get that, but it’s a joke, like, you know, the butthole.


Hmm…

So, you know, I just did drugs, got drunk, went up on stage & jammed my fingers in my butt. Women were screamin’, the men were screamin’, some were laughing, which is fine. As long as you give me a dollar, dawg, I don’t care how you take all that information in. 


That was basically it. We didn’t last too long, cause basically my butthole got sore from poking it all the time, and so I had to go back to cooking fries for a minute & just find other ways of making money.


During that interview with thefrickenfilmcritic, you noted that you started doing videos because you felt you had nothing to live for after getting as much pussy as one can possibly get. 

Nine years after that, do you still feel the same, or have you found some new purpose in the process? I know you’ve got the campaign coming.

I don’t really think about things more than eight minutes into the future. I’m kind of like a lizard, & I just kind of say what comes to mind. 

I tried to delete my [Facebook] account, but they didn’t let me. Whenever I tried to delete it off my phone, it would just pop right back on there, so I couldn’t even leave if I wanted to. 


Not many people know this, but one of the best trail mixes you can get is at Target. I forget what their brand is, but they got all different kinds of trail mix, homie. 

One time I got one that was supposed to have butterscotch chips in it, and there was like three chips. I was so fuckin’ pissed. I was like, “That’s it? I’m deleting my accounts. I’m getting off of Youtube, I’m getting off of Instagram…” but, you know, I basically forgot about all that shit by the next day & was just kind of back at it again. 

It’s fuckin’ life. You can’t quit on life. Well, you can, but you can’t come back. I guess it’s not like life at all.


What feels better: good pussy or getting your belly tickled by Arnold Schwarzenegger?

I mean, when I got my belly tickled [by him], it felt...satisfying? But it didn’t feel good. He’s got strong fingers, dawg. Imagine a crab with sausages in his pinchers. That’s what getting tickled by Arnold felt like. I was excited it was happening, but it didn’t feel good


Don’t get me wrong; I’d sit through it again, but it’s not soft like pillows or some shit.


Did any notable figures buy your book?

[Johnny Depp] bought like ten of ‘em, he said it changed his life.

I probably sold at least 40 copies of that shit, at least. And that’s before this year, dawg. I ain’t even checked in the past three months. Probably 42 by now.

One of my fellow writers was wondering whether you still had the tattoo of the neck on your chest.

Fuck yeah. I tried to get it removed, so now it just looks like a shitty scribble. The removal was the same quality as the tattoo. I don’t know if you’ve ever paid $17 to get a tattoo removed, but the results ain’t good, dawg, but if you don’t have money…


That’s why I’ve always wanted to learn how to be a politician. My homie Birdseed was tellin’ me politicians take every answer to every question, and bring it back to the campaign. That’s one of the things I want to do as president: stop poor people from being poor.


I’ve been watching a lot of YouTube videos about theme park rides. If a theme park came up to you and asked you to make “Skweezy: The Ride,” what would you create?

What’s the budget?

Limitless.

I don’t know why I even asked that. I don’t know the difference between what you could do with $100 and $10 million. Fuck, you’re asking some hard questions. I thought you were just gonna ask about tips on sucking on titties & shit.


I mean we can get to that, too.

You remember The Matrix?

Yeah.

And you know where the dude gave him the pill & he opens mouth and he went “ghjajkglkjhah” & it went down into his throat?

Yeah.

It’d be something like that, dawg. Basically, the ride starts on a joint, so it’s like one of those log rides except it’s a joint. So you sit on it, and you ride the joint into my open mouth. Then you go inside of me, homie, and you travel all the way through my digestive tract, then into my intestines, then I fuckin’ shit you out.


And the best part is, if we’re talkin’ about budget, you can make that ride for 20 bucks. I’ll just give you some bad sativa & a cardboard box full of peanuts, put a blindfold over your eyes...I mean, we can make that ride for cheap, homie.


That’s perfect. Save money, bring in the racks, fund the campaign.

...Oh I’m gonna write that shit down.

I’m glad I could help you in this process.

……...……...……...….Hold on I’m still writing. 

Do your thing.

I might have to finish this later. I’ve only written down six words, It’s gonna be a minute, so I’ll do that later.


That’s okay. I’ll text it to you, too, so it’s written down for you already.

Thanks, homie.

Of course. So one of my friends, possibly one of your future constituents, is a fan of yours. He had a particular question: He wants you to rank the toilet paper in the bathrooms of your favorite fast food restaurants. 

It’s crazy that you fuckin’ said that, homie. So there was a period in time, in like 2011, where I was gonna make a whole series reviewing the 7-11 bathrooms throughout Los Angeles.

So I was gonna rank ‘em one by one. But then I got high and I completely forgot about that until right now. So it didn’t happen. 

So that’s a complicated question, cause you can’t rank them by brand, cause...homie, I’ve been to an Arby’s that was so fucking fancy that they had a bell right next to the door, and if you had good service, you’d ring the bell.

On the flip side, I’ve been to an Arby’s that was so shitty that they had a place where the bell used to be, but someone had pulled it off & thrown it through the window.

So you can’t just say “Oh, all Arby’s have got the best toilet paper.” You could go to one Arby’s & get a good wiping experience, but go to another and grind blood out of your crack.

So if I had to take a guess, like, overall, In N’ Out is the best of all time, homie. If I had to say the worst...have you been to Gus Jr.?

I’ve heard of it, but I’ve not been.

They’ve got good food, dawg, but they got bad toilet paper

Well thank you for letting the people know. I would’ve gotten caught in a shitty situation.

I mean, let me suggest this to you: there’s a Gus Jr. in the I.E. next to a donut shop. Go to the Gus Jr. & get a burrito, go to the donut shop to take a dump.

Very smart.

I’m a smart thing.

That’s why I’m happy to talk to you.

I gotta let you know, homie, I got five minutes & then I gotta go eat my hotdogs.

What protests are the best for sexual encounters? 

Dawg, all protests. Anyone that goes to a protest is passionate. Not a lot of people understand: the key-and I’m gonna talk about women here, cause it works for men too but most of my experience is with womens-the key is to get a woman passionate. 

If something is already getting her passionate...that’s why one of the best places to get pussy is a wedding. Their emotions is stirred up. Their passions are going, and 95% of the foreplay is the wedding. 

Same as a protest, homie. If you go to a protest, they’re already passionate & ready to go. I just slide in. The foreplay is done. I just show up & I’m like, “Ay! Pull ‘em out! Pull ‘em titties out! Maybe a labia!”

I’m all about doing the least amount of work possible, unless that work is for the American people as Presidency.

Have you won a bet against Jose yet?

Crazy Jose & I ain’t talkin’ right now. So my homie Butt Nugget got a homie named Scrote, and Scrote & Crazy Jose don’t get along. It has a lot to do with the fact that...actually, I don’t know the reason why. They just both started hating each other one day. 

So because of that, Crazy Jose stopped coming around for a minute, because I started spending more and more time with Butt Nugget, and Scrote always comes along, so I was hanging out with Scrote too. 

It just got to a point, dawg, where I don’t even know what happened. People stop talking to each other, new friends come along. Now I got a new set of problems cause Birdseed got his legs broke again. He got into a fight, and Scrote too...I don’t know, homie.


This reminds me that I need to give Crazy Jose a call & see what’s up. I can’t let little quarrels come between us. 

I was asking my granny, and I was like, “Granny, you close to death. What’s something you wish you did more of?”


She was like, “Not die.” And I was like, “Ok, if there was a second thing you wish you did more of, what would it be?” And she was like, “Not stop talking to my friends.” So I’m taking that advice, homie, and I’m reaching out as soon as I get done & eat my hot dogs.

I hope you two patch things up. I think people would love to see that. I think that would be best for both of y’all, and I think it’ll help clear your mind that much more for when you start doing your campaign.

Thank you for that advice that I did not ask for.

I’m glad you appreciate it. Anything else you want to add for the good people out there?

I’m gonna start selling my presidential t-shirts, Skweezy 2020, when I make my announcement, so I’m gonna go ahead & give you that link when it’s up. 

Maybe you can put the link in there wherever this is gonna go, again, unless this is just you listening to this & pulling it. But yeah, maybe you can just plug my t-shirts.

Enjoy your hot dogs, man. I’m looking forward to great things in your future, and I’m looking forward to you seeing this interview.

Yeah, I hope it doesn’t suck. 

Cause, again, this is the first interview I’ve done in like seven years, and I probably won’t do another one until 2043. No pressure, homie. Peace.

Peace.